Who is the mother of Harry Elric?
by reader713
Summary: Edward Elric returns from a trip with a child that calls him daddy. Reporters are determined to solve the mystery of the identity of the child's mother...let's wish them luck. Hopefully no one will be killed. Some crack in parts but funny. Please review!


Disclaimer: I do not own either FullMetal Alchemist or Harry Potter.

Author's Note: This is part of a longer story I have planned about Harry going to Hogwarts as Harry Elric that never made it into the story due to Harry just remembering the numerous articles that were published wondering who his mother was. Please review (but no insults please).

When Edward Elric returned from his latest trip (to a place called England), he was dragging along a kid.

The child in question was named Harry Potter.

Edward Elric brought the child to Amestris, entered *General* Mustang's office to deliver his report and introduced the team to his son Harry.

And then they left.

Since he introduced Harry to everyone else who asked (and Harry happily called him 'daddy' when asking questions), in under 2 hours everyone at Headquarters had heard that Edward was now the proud parent of one son.

The newspaper released the next day asked the burning question no one had thought of yet:

"Who's the mother?"

Because they asked (mostly because they were warned of Harry's visit prior to meeting him), Al and Winry were the only two who knew the truth.

Son by ADOPTION.

So, when each read the newspaper wondering who had been knocked up by the FullMetal alchemist and was mother of his child, each calmly stuffed the newspaper in the trash, determined not to mention it to the hot-headed blond.

Contrary to what Al and Winry had hoped (prayed), the fuss about the mystery of Harry's 'mother' did not go away. In fact, the interest had only grown. Ed was good-looking, young, employed and rather well-known; the fact that he was now the single father of a rather sweet five year old boy (who tended to cling to him) did not decrease the interest in him.

Later, Al and Winry realized they should have known that the investigation would turn to Ed's acquaintances.

Winry was first.

The letters arrived first; either congratulating her on her married to Ed or carried death threats.

When the reporters arrived, demanding to know if she was Harry's mother, and asking why she had not informed the public of it earlier (and then asking if they were divorced, or had never married).

Ten reporters had to be taken to the hospital due to injuries caused by wrenches. None of the cameras survived, and only one cameraman managed to jerk his head back in time that the wrench flying forward to break his camera did not knock him out as well.

With the assistance of Central (who did not like the idea that one of their best known alchemists was being maligned) she sued all of the papers who mentioned her even once in their articles (including those who mentioned her as 'childhood friend', 'best friend', 'female friend' or 'close female acquaintance).

In the end, it was noted that Harry was a brunette while Winry and Ed were both blond. The papers silently agreed that the mother must be someone else.

Ed, remained utterly oblivious to the drama, due to the fact that he had been assigned a mission. When informed, Al laughed hysterically, almost getting him and Winry thrown out of the restaurant they were dining in (it was Winry's treat due to the amount of money she'd made from the lawsuits).

Going through a list of Ed's female acquaintances who were brunette, the reporters discovered Izumi Curtis (let it be noted that in Amestris, reporters are not smart at all).

Izumi had been following the debate in the papers, and was amused since she'd met Harry (having sent Ed a letter, informing him of 'bad things' if she did not introduce him to Harry).

Her amusement died when it was announced in the papers that according to a poll performed by a group of readers, she was the 'mother of FullMetal's lovechild'.

In her rampage, the offices of all the papers within a 100 mile radius of her hometown were destroyed either due to 'structural integrity' or 'mysterious fire'.

They also all had to shut down due to the amount they had to pay to Izumi Curtis for 'damaging her reputation'. The few (foolish few) who thought to try to argue ended up deciding that staying alive (though dead broke for the rest of their lives) was better than valor since her husband accompanied her when she demanded reparations.

Then, due to the small fortune she had accumulated, she and her husband closed the shop and went on vacation. They made sure to visit 'Ed' and their grandchild.

Now naturally, the reporters would have been salivating over the chance to take a photo of the 'happy family'. Strangely, all reporters and cameramen found themselves to be mysteriously blind and deaf during the duration of the 'family's' stay.

While visiting, Rose insisted on dressing the two in matching outfits. Harry looked absolutely adorable dressed as a 'mini Fullmetal'. She insisted on taking pictures of the two.

In some of the pictures, Harry was blond.

The hunt for Harry's mother was renewed.

Since Rose insisted on taking Harry out for ice cream while Ed was busy elsewhere, treating him and her three children, it was decided that _she_ was the mother.

Unfortunately, the reporters were either extremely stupid or unaware of the existence of her fiancé, who was not only an alchemist, but also one of the richest men in the area. He was well aware that there was no way Rose could possibly be Harry's mother (for one, the kid was a brunette, and had just been dying his hair so that he and Ed would match) and also that Rose hadn't even been pregnant at the time when Harry was born.

He sued the pants off of them.

He and Rose also got married three days after the last of the lawsuits was over (ending in his favor as had all previously). Ed was invited as the 'guest of honor' since the wedding was paid for completely by the reparations. Ed was invited to give Rose away due to the dubious honor.

Unfortunately, Ed had not yet begun to read the tabloids, so remained utterly oblivious.

Next, Ed and Harry paid a visit to Olivia Armstrong, due to the fact that they were in the area. As Ed was 'doing alchemist stuff', Olivia offered to take Harry shopping for proper clothes.

They were seen.

The article was recalled immediately after it was seen by the general. The general herself also was responsible for the destruction of the property of the paper who published the article, as well as the destruction of the home of the reporter and cameramen responsible. Then, since all were then 'technically unemployed', she took them back to the fort to forcibly enlist them into the military.

When her brother sent her a letter congratulating her on being a mother (marked heavily by tear stains), she went to Central to pay a visit. Ten years later, everyone still flinched when the two siblings were in the same room and still spoke in hushed words of her arrival in Central (according to gossip, Major Armstrong was unable to even put up the appearance of the fight and was in the hospital for a month).

Ed, of course, was still not reading tabloids.

Ed returned to Central, still oblivious. In part due to the fact that the military had decided not to remind Ed of the articles (thanking whatever higher being was responsible for his lack of reaction, such as destroying private property).

There was a picture of Riza Hawkeye in the newspaper with Harry and Ed. The article wondered if she had 'moved on from General Mustang for a younger man'.

The reporter was discovered in the hospital under an hour after the article was published, suffering bullets in both arms and legs. All newspapers in the military offices were burned.

The article wondering if Gracia Hughes was cheating on her husband (due to his supposed affair with General Mustang, who he'd always been close to) was never published. Brigadier-General Maes Hughes showed up himself.

Everyone wondered why instead of the four page article there were four blank pages, but nothing was said.

Brigadier-General Maes Hughes refused all questions of why he'd arrived to work late, instead gushing about his new picture of his daughter (that was of her and Harry playing).

Then the Emperor of Xing (Ling) himself announced that he had something to say.

Evidently, somehow, he was Harry's father.

Naturally, the idea of an illegitimate heir to the throne was very popular. There was much debate over the other parent, and questions were asked (was it his loyal bodyguard/companion?).

Then, during the news release, when the question was asked, he gave a look of complete confusion.

The other parent was 'Edward Elric' of course (the only one good enough to be his Empress).

And despite being informed that that was completely impossible (you need a man and a woman to make a baby, not two men) he stuck with it.

Alright so, a supposedly-illigitimate-heir-to-the-throne-even-though-it-was-completely-impossible-never-mind-the-fact-that-when-Harry-was-born/conceived-Ling-and-Ed-were-in-two-different-countries.

However, Ling stuck with the story and invited Ed and his 'heir' to Xing. Ed wrote back turning down the invitation, adding that Ling needed to work on his grammar, Harry was his 'son' not his 'heir'.

Despite Hawkeye's attempts to hide the papers (she'd recently returned from the vacation she was given, vacation with full-pay, due to the trauma of being mentioned as she was in tabloid articles), she failed.

General Mustang himself went to the papers himself, announcing that he was the father (and yes, Ed was the other parent, how in the world had they known?).

Hawkeye demanded a raise for dealing with his complete stupidity.

With two men claiming that they were Harry's parent while Ed was the 'other father', interest was quickly lost except for the growing group of readers who were quite interested in the idea of two men being together (and quickly spawned fanclubs).

A tabloid was even created to gossip on the subject, wondering how many of Ed and General Mustang's 'meetings' concerned business or pleasure (all concerned business, as far as Ed was concerned, the General was still a stupid perverted heterosexual old man).

The last article they ever published was wondering if the reason Harry called Alphonse Elric 'daddy' was because…

_**Edward Elric raising brother's love child?**_

_**Is Harry Elric the child of Edward Elric and his brother Alphonse through human transmutation or science?**_

More than twenty years later, the papers (all of them, even the foreign ones) refused to mention the FullMetal Alchemist or his family in the slightest after the FullMetal's warpath that erupted due to the reading of his first/last/only tabloid newspaper article (unless it was for purely political/scientific/military reasons).

Reporters became known for trying to skive off work when it was known that the FullMetal alchemist could be found at their destination.

About two weeks after Ed's warpath (and he wasn't sued due to the sheer terror that his victims had of his rage), Harry was asked about his 'daddy'. The little girl who asked was told that Harry had the best daddy ever because he 'rescued him' and while he wasn't really his daddy he was the best one ever.

That fact was never published.

Neither, in fact, was the wedding of Winry Rockbell and Alphonse Elric. Ed had the pleasure of serving as best man and walking the bride down the aisle. It was also announced that 'this glorious wedding would not have been possible without Ed'.

He had no reason why Winry and Alphonse erupted into giggles after the dedication.

Years later, when Edward Elric got to read articles about his son in a specific wizarding newspaper, the Daily Prophet suffered a series of 'unfortunate occurrences' that eventually led to them being shut down…permanently.

About two months later, when it was published that Harry Potter was dating Hermione Granger, Ginny Weasley and Luna Lovegood at the same time (without any of the girls knowing that he was unfaithful to her), Witch Weekly suffered the same.

The articles stopped after that. Evidently, wizards could learn.


End file.
